I’m feeling very blah today. Low energy, low motivation, low everything. I’m trying to manage it better than I usually do by actually sticking to my meal plan and exercising. But it still sucks. It is just hard sometimes to continue trying to be the best Kim I can be when I feel like I’ve been trying for so long. I started my first diet ever January 2000 – Weight Watchers. That was 12.6 years ago and I’m about 45 lbs heavier now than I was then. And way less happy. Back then I thought I was cute. Thought I was fine. It wasn’t until my parents told me I was overweight and started me in Weight Watchers (I was only 17 and in high school) that I even thought I really should diet. I’m not delusional – I knew I wasn’t skinny. I knew I couldn’t shop where some of the other girls shopped. I just didn’t care. Not like I do today where it consumes me. I’m not saying my parents shouldn’t have done what they did – they did what they thought was best. I just think that maybe I was better off mentally where I was 12.5 years ago. And I definitely was better off physically being that much lighter than I am today.
But the point of this isn’t to lament my senior year of college at a smaller but still big size. It’s to say that I’m tired. And I’m exhausted. And I’m weary. I’m in the throw in the towel mode. I haven’t – although I did have a cookie at a meeting which is a no no. I just am tired of feeling sacrifice without the reward. Tired of feeling like I am giving but not getting.
That’s really the thing with weight loss, isn’t it? It’s one of the few things in life where your actions don’t translate directly into results. What I mean is that I can’t eat x calories or this meal plan for 7 days and exercise to burn x calories and know that I’m going to lose x lbs. I don’t know that formula and the math seems to not work out from where I sit. I know that if I do the right kinds of things I should not get and bigger for sure. And that I should lose some weight eventually. But I don’t always get to see those results after a hard week. And sometimes the scale goes up when you KNOW you have been busting your butt. Then it drops when you have been meh with the program. The scale tells you your weight that morning yes. But there is no real thing you can do to know that yesterday was a good day and if I repeat that tomorrow I’m on the right track. I honestly think that’s why we become scale addicts. We want. No, we need something to tell us that yes, this struggle is worth it because we lost a lb! Weight loss has no measuring stick or tape or crystal ball that vindicates us and makes us feel like it is worth it because the light seems oh so very far away. Maybe people new to the fight can do it. But for a veteran like me, it’s very dark and without anything immediate to feel good about it’s a struggle to stay motivated.
So what do you do? Me I’m trying to rally the friends and trying to set new goals. I’m meeting with my nutritionist with a check in this evening and I’m also going to re-boot my exercise program. I’m going to try to keep working to find that happy medium that keeps me happy, sane, and moving in the right direction. I’m not going to give up. I will whine a little. I won’t binge. I will sulk and write long blog posts. But I won’t turn to food or the couch for solace.