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We Have Lift Off!

This week was SO overwhelming at work, whew.  The bosses were out so I was acting person in charge and I was insanely busy.  I like management and I like running projects – but since our team is a team of 3 and 2 were gone – I had basically no backup staff for our biggest issue.  Add to it that I’m the lead engineer and pretty much deputy anyway…I was busy.

But I did take care of myself!  I worked out (although I did have an unplanned off day due to a storm induced power outage that made me wake up about 45 min late), I ate on plan, and I generally went to bed on time.  I also added in my first weight work out back yesterday!  Oh how glorious it was to get back to lifting.  I lift in a cardio manner – meaning I move pretty fast between sets and add in cardio every once in a while to break it up (jumping jacks, high knees, mountain climbers, ect).  This allows me to still get a good total calorie burn while lifting heavy.  Yesterday was an upper body focused day and I can tell how out of shape I have gotten.  I used 15 lbs at the gym and I was SO SORE the next day.  I looked back at my logs and I used to do that same workout with 20/25 lbs.  Exercises with the cable I was doing with 50 lbs I was down to 30 lbs.  I definitely have some work to do to get back to old form and that shows how much strength and muscle tone I have lost over the past year or so of doing cardio first and light weights.  It is also a reminder of why my clothes still don’t fit the same as they used too. My body is much less toned and defined and that’s why I’m bigger inch/size wise, even at the same weight. I’m going to sit down and plan with my fitbook,  but I think I’m going to start off with 3 days a week of lifting and alternate between upper and lower.  I don’t need to break my splits out any more than that yet.

Speaking of the gym, I’m a little frustrated with them.  I signed up for the 3 session personal training package deal because of the awesome intro price.  I STILL have not heard from the trainer about setting up my sessions and it’s been almost a whole week.  I was looking forward to having some really butt kicking sessions planned and it’s annoying how slow they are to plan.  I know it’s a new thing, but still, if you say you are going to call people to set up sessions, then you should call relatively soon.  It makes me want to cancel because it’s not like I *need* a trainer.  I can kick my own ass very well.  But I wanted the push and it taking this long to get even the first contact is making me weary of the whole thing.

Okay in other news – Sunday prep day!  And boy did I prep.  My dishwasher is on the 3rd run today already.  I made:

Erika’s Chicken Salad
Pork Chops w/ Apple Chutney
Jucy Lucy Turkey Burgers

All of these fit right into my nutrition plan with some additions (veggies and maybe brown rice).  I had a pork chop for lunch and oh sweet mother they were incredible.  I haven’t tried the other two, but those pork chops are a definite keeper recipe.  I have another recipe on deck (honey ginger stir fry, which is not online) for later in the week for dinner.  I also have some meat set aside for sandwiches later in the week for lunch.  I’m all prepped.

This post is getting ridiculously long so I’ll stop here.  But I am going to post about my breakfast woes soon. That is really a problem for me I still need to solve.  Perhaps you all can help 🙂

Just One of Those Days

I’m feeling very blah today.  Low energy, low motivation, low everything.  I’m trying to manage it better than I usually do by actually sticking to my meal plan and exercising.  But it still sucks.  It is just hard sometimes to continue trying to be the best Kim I can be when I feel like I’ve been trying for so long.  I started my first diet ever January 2000 – Weight Watchers.  That was 12.6 years ago and I’m about 45 lbs heavier now than I was then.  And way less happy. Back then I thought I was cute.  Thought I was fine.  It wasn’t until my parents told me I was overweight and started me in Weight Watchers (I was only 17 and in high school) that I even thought I really should diet.  I’m not delusional – I knew I wasn’t skinny.  I knew I couldn’t shop where some of the other girls shopped.  I just didn’t care.  Not like I do today where it consumes me.  I’m not saying my parents shouldn’t have done what they did – they did what they thought was best.  I just think that maybe I was better off mentally where I was 12.5 years ago.  And I definitely was better off physically being that much lighter than I am today.

But the point of this isn’t to lament my senior year of college at a smaller but still big size.  It’s to say that I’m tired.  And I’m exhausted.  And I’m weary.  I’m in the throw in the towel mode.  I haven’t – although I did have a cookie at a meeting which is a no no.  I just am tired of feeling sacrifice without the reward.  Tired of feeling like I am giving but not getting.

That’s really the thing with weight loss, isn’t it?  It’s one of the few things in life where your actions don’t translate directly into results.  What I mean is that I can’t eat x calories or this meal plan for 7 days and exercise to burn x calories and know that I’m going to lose x lbs.  I don’t know that formula and the math seems to not work out from where I sit.  I know that if I do the right kinds of things I should not get and bigger for sure.  And that I should lose some weight eventually.  But I don’t always get to see those results after a hard week.  And sometimes the scale goes up when you KNOW you have been busting your butt.  Then it drops when you have been meh with the program.  The scale tells you your weight that morning yes.  But there is no real thing you can do to know that yesterday was a good day and if I repeat that tomorrow I’m on the right track.  I honestly think that’s why we become scale addicts.  We want.  No, we need something to tell us that yes, this struggle is worth it because we lost a lb!  Weight loss has no measuring stick or tape or crystal ball that vindicates us and makes us feel like it is worth it because the light seems oh so very far away.  Maybe people new to the fight can do it.  But for a veteran like me, it’s very dark and without anything immediate to feel good about it’s a struggle to stay motivated.

So what do you do?  Me I’m trying to rally the friends and trying to set new goals.  I’m meeting with my nutritionist with a check in this evening and I’m also going to re-boot my exercise program.  I’m going to try to keep working to find that happy medium that keeps me happy, sane, and moving in the right direction.  I’m not going to give up.  I will whine a little.  I won’t binge.  I will sulk and write long blog posts.  But I won’t turn to food or the couch for solace.

Back on the Grind

Back home after a long time away.  7 days – 5 flights, 3 stops (including a short layover at home 🙂 ) and I’m happy to report I weighed in one lb lighter!  I worked my hardest to stay on track while I was gone by picking options that were as close as possible to my nutrition plan, hitting the grocery store when I got to town, and exercising as usual.  It wasn’t easy and it wasn’t always fun, but I did my best.  I did have a couple of drinks while on vacation (because really – frozen rum drinks under palm trees is kind of necessary).  But I didn’t go crazy – I mean literally a couple – one on Friday and one on Saturday.  I was frustrated at times for sure – it’s not easy to drink a protein shake when your hubby is eating chocolate cake.  It’s really really frustrating.  But it was really nice to come home and see that through all that I managed to lose a lb.

So back home.  I took this AM off from exercise because I was EXHAUSTED this morning.  After sleeping in and sleeping on my flights and sleeping on the beach –  waking up at 5:15 just wasn’t happening today.  I think that’s ok – rest is as important as everything else.  I’ll be back on Insanity in the morning and I spent last night grocery shopping and prepping food for at least the first part of the week so I could get back on it food wise.

I’m STILL struggling with the egg white and oat situation.  I made a “oatmeal cake” and it just wasn’t good. I think I just will stick with egg whites and tortillas or oats with a protein shake.  Eating them together in the ratios I’m supposed to just doesn’t work for me with the recipes I’ve researched so far.

Nutrition Plan – Wake Up Call

So the first thing I noticed about my plan was the calorie count – 2500 calories a day.  Whoa – that’s a lot of calories.  But I guess when it’s all clean and healthy food you can eat more.  Okay so today was day like 0.5.  I did a lot of prep yesterday (I got my meal plan last night) so I ate most of the day on the plan.  This evening though I had a non-plan dinner, mainly because I had some food left over that I wanted to finish and also because I didn’t have anything prepared for dinner to eat on plan yet.  I finished that up today while watching Army Wives so now I’m ready for tomorrow to be an all day affair.

All of the meals are fine and I think I will be okay doing this long term.  The only meal that I really hate is the breakfast.  It’s too much food….way too much food.  I really am not that big into breakfast foods in general – and the amount of food she planned was crazy.  Even with subbing out the protein shake for the egg whites (EIGHT) of them – I was barely making it through the oatmeal.  There was an option in the drop down for 2 tortillas – and I think I’m going to switch to that.  Then I can have it with the egg whites and make breakfast burritos with veggies and salsa.  That is so much more appealing than oatmeal and egg whites (why do people insist on putting these together??) and on top of both of those a cup of melon.  I’m going to send her a note about that change and see what she says.

Goals and Planning

I spent the last few days working on some exercises to try to get at the root of my brain and this weight loss thing.  It’s been really eye opening to be really honest and open with myself about weight loss and other things in my life that are bothering me these days that may be playing into the weight loss struggles.  It was a great activity and I’m really glad I did it, even if it bothered me sometimes to admit some of the things that are bothering me.  I think I still find it amazing that in my life every single thing I’ve put my mind to I’ve done and done well if I might add.  Everything except weight loss that is.  And I am ready to change that fact and hopefully more prepared after these journaling assignments.

So the final product of the exercises was coming up with a list of things I thought were manageable that I could do to get closer to my goals and to maybe address some of the issues I worked through in journaling that needed a more active approach.  This list was hard to make but I think it will be really good because I am hopefully addressing some of my mental issues.  Here’s my list:

  • Walk 30 minutes every evening
  • Exercise 4-5 days a week (higher intensity than walking)
  • Walk 10 minutes every morning
  • Take the stairs 
  • Make 1/2 my dinner plate veggies (cooked, salad, whatever!)
  • Eat at least one piece of fruit a day
  • Drink 5 glasses of water before I leave work
  • Live in the pause when I’m stressed out or otherwise tempted to really overeat or go crazy
  • Pack a healthy snack for the drive home from work to keep in case I need it
  • Plan and make time to eat my morning snack 
  • Do two social activities, meetups, or exercise classes a month
  • Limit alcohol to only one day (if any) a week
  • Never take more than 2 days off exercise unless I’m sick or injured
  • Log every single meal in my fitbook
  • Don’t watch tv all evening every evening
  • Re-start hard core Dave Ramsey Baby Steps (aka budgeting)
Not bad, eh?  It’s not all health related, some are just life related and things I need to work on in general.  I’m happy about this list and about working through all of this over the last few days.  Now to put it in action and finally reach this goal!

Back to Basics

It’s so nice being at home for a bit. I’m using this week to mentally reset and get focused before I head back out of town. The healthy living post I mentioned a few days back has been really sitting with me and I decided that I’m going to tackle 2 things for the next few weeks:

1. Back to running
2. Cook at home / no diet food

I’ve been eating out or buying convenience foods a lot lately, and that has to change. Obviously when I’m on travel I have to eat out. But there is no reason for that when I’m in my home. I’m not focusing on it being super clean right now (although I’m trying to cook from scratch as much as possible and avoiding diet foods) as much as just focusing on cooking. I’ll work on cleaning it up after I get the habit of eating at home back.

Running. Oh boy. I used to run a while back but I stopped a few weeks before my wedding (which was in 2010 – oops) . Running is not my favorite exercise – but it’s for sure my most effective exercise. I’m really ready for change – and change takes work. Hard work. So I’m going to (slowly) start integrating running. I’m thinking 2 days a week to start and see how that goes.  I am going to do intervals of run/walk and not do back to back days.

That’s where I sit today. I’m taking these two steps and working them to death. I know this won’t be easy, but I need to start somewhere. My extremes need to be in focus and determination, so I’m picking my battles.  I spent a lot of time on travel this week frustrated, annoyed, and angry over my weight.  I’m really tired of that feeling.  It’s not about the number on the scale – it’s about feeling uncomfortable, feeling like my clothes are so ill fitting, feeling like I’m constantly trying to fit into a space that I am just too large for and just feeling like I can’t even dress normally since I tend to wear loose fitting/not structured clothing because it’s comfortable.  Don’t get me wrong – I appreciate the weight I’ve lost to date.  I just am really ready to be fit and healthy.  Ready to not feel exhausted by trying to pretend my weight isn’t bothering me and that I’m okay with it.  I’m not.  I’m ready to make change.  I am good on exercise (even though I didn’t exercise much this week due to the physical nature of the work I had to do on travel – moving around 30 lb boxes while standing for hours in a dusty dirty building was physically draining).  Food is my issue.  So that’s why I made two goals – one for exercise and one for food that both will push me to do more and to be better.

Day 1 of induction style eating

And I’m killing for fruit. This is a good thing. I haven’t craved anything except pizza, Chinese, cake, and ice cream for the past month. Obviously fruit is a WAY better option. I’m almost 100% sure that after this week I will add fruit back. Fruit and nuts. I have a few reasons for doing a shortened induction and adding fruit back so quickly. The first being my goal for all this isn’t to be on Atkins forever. It’s to cut my sugar and processed food addiction. A detox so to speak. I have been completely out of control and I figured drastic times need drastic measures. I’m hoping 7 days of strict eating will break that cycle I was in. I knew a low carb diet would be the best for me to keep hunger away while doing this.

The other reason? I am convinced that traveling on Atkins will need a few more options. Right now I’m looking at lots of bars and shakes and I firmly believe fruit and nuts are a better choice. Just eat real food (the ultimate goal).

My ideal diet is this:
Fruit, nuts, meat/fish, veggies, and the occasional treat meal or dessert.

Ready for June

May has been a pretty hectic month!  A wedding, a business trip, a trip for a graduation, and family in town.  To say that being on track has been hard is an understatement.  But I’ve been trying!  I have been bodyrocking when I’m able and walking.  But it’s time to focus on diet.  I’ve been feeling very blah and it’s time for a re-focus.  My friend is doing a low carb challenge and I’ve decided to join her for June.  There are several reasons for this.  The main one being that low carb is the one program that I’ve done that really worked well for me.  As in I got the results not typical results.  I also find it easier to stay on than any other diet.  I remember stopping Atkins in college only because it was too hard at the time to do living in a dorm eating dorm food.  I didn’t really have the ability (or a kitchen) to do it right.  I haven’t seriously done Atkins since.

I’m not sure if I’m going to do Atkins induction or if I’m going to make rules for myself to eat lower carb.  I’m kind of terrified of going on a structured diet because I’ve failed at every attempt.  At the same time I’m looking forward to having a structure again, something to lean on.  The only thing that I want that really isn’t on Atkins induction is fruit.  I’m not looking forward to giving up fruit for any stretch of time.  But I could do the 2 weeks and see how that goes.  I can add fruit back in (some fruits anyway) after that so I won’t be permanently away from it.

BodyRock has gone well.  I haven’t done the May challenge as completely as I’d like just because of all the being out of town.  I have done the first week and loved it.  I think they have a June challenge planned, so I’ll keep with the May workouts until that gets a few days posted.

Low carbing plus bodyrockign should make my July 1st progress pics awesome.  I hope.  I’m leaving for the beach in 1.5 months so I would also like to have some amazing progress by then!